I recently had a moment of clarity. I love those. Anyway, I was disciplining my son, Andrew. It wasn't the first time that day. Andrew is my challenging child. He is very strong-willed. He feels so strongly that things should go a certain way 

He focuses his mind on something and WILL not change it. In fact, he HATES change. I mean, he LOATHES it. We recently moved to a huge house with lots of space outside to play. It's a nearly perfect place, but he wants to move back into our 1100 sq. ft. house where you could only play in our little backyard. He hates change. If I had to compare him to an animal, I wouldn't hesitate to say, "bulldog". Any bulldog owners out there will know exactly what I mean. They are stubborn and opinionated, but oh so charming. That's Andrew.

We have had to walk such a firm line with him to keep him from being rebellious. Well, we were up in his room. He was throwing a fit. I was sitting with him explaining that he's not to act that way. It hit me with a blow - I may never be able to control him. I may never be able to control him. That's exactly what went through my brain. I may never be able to make him conform to the image I have of a good child. He might always make me look bad. The next question that ran through my brain was, "Can I love him the way he is?" Can I accept him even if he's different than what I want? Maybe he'll walk a path that doesn't make sense to me.Maybe he'll show us a different perspective on life. If I try to make him conform to the identity I want him to have, our family may miss out on his unique gifts. So I set him free ... in my heart.

Does that mean I don't continue to train him on acceptable behavior? NO! It doesn't mean that I stop training him in good character. In fact, I didn't change a thing outwardly. I still discipline him. I still get frustrated and yell (sshhh, don't tell anyone). The change in me was so subtle. I had let go of control spiritually. Let me tell you, this has somehow changed Andrew in palpable ways. He does not struggle with anger like he did before I set him free. He is so much more open to listening. I don't treat him like I dissaprove of HIM, just the act or behavior. His little spirit can sense it. It's amazing to observe.

I'm trying to do this with each one of my kids. I'm here to help them find their "bent", the way they should go. I'm not here to bend them. I'm not supposed to make them into little clones of myself or even a better version. I must guide them for sure, but that's not the same thing as controlling them because I want to be seen as a good parent. Ooooo. That is so ugly, isn't it. But that's how most of us parent - without even thinking about it.

All of a sudden our teenagers are so angry and rebellious and we think, where did we go wrong? Or worse, what's wrong with them? To put it in one sentence, Children want complete acceptance with boundaries. Think about that for a minute. Andrew needs to sense that I accept him for who he is. BUT he is desperate for me to show him the boundaries so that he feels secure. So often we just offer one or the other, but the two are like halves of a bun. They go together. Otherwise you have a mess.